| bored rambles at the office |
[19 Jul 2007|11:55am] |
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i love realizing that i still have this stupid livejournal to write bs on. its so weird i dont have tweak to talk about and like, robbie and like old time shit. its sooo weird. I feel like, so much of the time i have nothing anymore, because no twak and no crazy stay up late world and shit and analyzing and blah blah that life is dull and normal. im having trouble writing i think cuz my mom is in the room talking about my sister to dan and theyre loud and shit or maybe i just havent written in sooo long that i have to now thiNK before i write..which is wack. normallyits all twakkkerr rambles. i love that . i re read essasys i wrote on twak and they are insane, like every word of everything is thought about , i rememver taking like 30 minutes on one sentence and staying away at the computer with my pipe in mmy shirt and still typing ah aand i was so confused but not and it was amazing. everyone islike oh ya pot just relaxes u and opens ur mind like even shrooms they free ur fuckin mind...thats wat twak did and i learned so much. hahs i was just gonna ssay its not good or bad ..blah but thats so old school of me. oh man, no conclusion was my favorite. stuck in the middle oh man. so dan just pulled me aside and took me into my room and showed me how to change my air filter !!!! wtffff ive neverrr done it before how dop.e . its like all cold now and no allergies i bet. shiit.
so i think no one reads this cuz i didnt add friends or ne thing so robbie.
fuck dude.
every time i sleep at andreis or at my house even i have these dreams that when i wake up make me totally fall in love like, dying over someone crying needing them with him all over again. its ridiculous. i never see him like maybe twice in 3 years and like, fuck . it sucks. hes dating some ugly med student who i want to kill, whatever not really. these are times where i love dinielle so much . i kind of miss ssaying danielle. its like,k the name she was given and everything. i dunno im gonna call her danielle or call her dinielle but spell it danielle. but brb. okay we installed the new air in mine n dads office sweet. ummm but ya no danielle understands my entireeee history andddd she KNOWS like the boys i like personality so she can tell me whats best for each and she knows what i want ultimately and ah she understands everything its insane. wish i could say the same for her, she changes her mind so much and now with shane keeps very personal shit to herself i dont know, i just dont know much. i liked it when it used to be us ...versus the ppl we hooked up with. now its like, me and who im with then her and shane then we can hang out maybe. its crappy situations and what not. whateva. oh man . whateva! sometimesss...
fuckin a
i dont know whats doing it but im so in love.
okay i havent everrrr written about andrei in a journal nothing
thats weird. i have nothing on jack either, anddd hardly much on dexter. i should have kept writing that sucks. im so glad i have tyler and robvbie and even sam holmberg on file. hahahah o gosh. i love it though. its been so much of my life, and now its no longer a big part so im glad to have like, all those feelings stored away in boxes and aim conversations and whatever.. and journals.
i dont know about andrei, maybe thsts why i dont write. cuz its not the same as the old school loves, like FALLING in love, and like dying over him and talking to ur friends and what does this mean and omg he kissed me last night when it was raining blahhh ugh its amazing. and i dont have that. last night i was talking to sam holmbergabout that. like, how hard it is to find that again. i really think i just need to be single for a year or over and then start that whole omg relationship over again, like make it new. born again girlfriend. u know. ? maybe, but its so hard. dexter always tells me, i cant be alone. its true and i dont know., i was going to say i hate that but i dont. i love being with someone and hangin gout. but its like a drug. when im still doing it every day(hanging out with a boy) and i dont have that RUSH anymore, i just do it cuz i think i need it(to be around him) then its bad. thats like twak u know u do it every fuckin day and soon after u realize its nasty and u do it even though u get sick and dont like the high anymore or dont even get high anymore but u need it to keep going its like routine, ..thats wack ass addiction.
oh addiction. i was dying for twak the other night. and i neverrrr want twak anymore, like i want the memories but not the actually insane hyper relapse part. but i was shitting in my bathroom and smoking a cigarette that i found in my window and like half smoked and everything and i was hallucinating like dinielle and i smoking twak on the bathroom floor in our little corner or next to the middle door. on like towels and oh man. i think cuz everytime i go to the bathroom in there i see dashboard diva through the transparent or lucent organizers that i took out of my room. i cant write anymore cuz im not doingb any work im just typing ..........
but i think im gonna start writing more its great and i dunno..
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[25 May 2007|09:12pm] |
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people who do drugs and drink a lot and then get ignorant and racist and even sexist but racist more right now makes me want to fucking punch them, and cry before and after i hear that shit. i cant stand people who dont say shit.. i cant stand these people im in a room with andreis friend who is racist and doesnt care. he needs to be educated and this is one of the exceptions where i think education and the past world or being post education is important. and meaningful. i need to change the world, so typical my age person but it doesnt matter anymore. im not talking to anyone now but myself so.. i need love inmy life, and not in the boyfriend way. friendships and true love only. no relationship love, its just not enough anymore.. im so sad
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| DAMNIT |
[25 May 2007|09:05pm] |
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i think that all that matters is family now, like ALL that matters. and the world is nice to be in and i dont even want to think of the world in the ways that i have began to think of them with like education and everything else. the best part is when you grow up , with your family. my dad is my favorite person in the world. and death scares me, i dont know what i would do. i have premonitions sp? and they come true in kind of real ways and its ..i dont know what it is. i want to be unphilosophical, and i think im mastering that. i want to be as clear as possible, and if i cant i just want to sit and tweak for as long as i can. i have a year august 2nd and nobody really cares itslike we all forgot about problems. but i dont even know who 'we all' is anymore. theres nobody left, and i miss the connections with people everywhere. nobody cares anymore, thats when you leave childhood and start shit world. i dont really like world or life i dont remember or know right now i dont want to..thats my goal or what not but still.. i think instead of going onto that world i have found family life again
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| ANTHRO ESSAY |
[30 Apr 2007|01:35pm] |
GRADE 9
Each grade throughout the program would focus on different ideas, philosophies, and geographical locations corresponding to those ideas. The 9th grade focused on non western, non european cultural groups such as the Inuit, Mexico, as well as a unit on China. The first week of school, we were handed a vocabulary list made up of terms such as ethnocentric, sexist, racism, bias, stereotype..etc which all fell under the first unit of CORE entitled "The Tolerance Unit." Even films such as "The Breakfast Club" were shown satirically showing an "example" of one of the vocabulary words "stereotype." For the Inuit unit, we read "Top of The World" which talked about how the mother would eat the placenta, and how calling Inuit "Eskimo" is wrong in different ways. For Mexico we read "Bless Me Ultima" and painted Gourds. We celebrated Dia De Los Muertos and had those students who have personal experience in this event help others to understand the rituals. In studying China, not only did we go over dynasties, but we read a novel called "Red Azalia" which opened some of the class up to same sex love scenes. The class also read and studied the book called The Tao Of Pooh which was basically buddhist philosophy through the eyes of Pooh Bear and his friends in the 100 Acre Woods. One of the midterms for a class in 9th grade was to learn specific Tai Chi movements and perform them in order, in a relaxed meditative state. This grade opened students up to different cultures and the ruituals as well as beliefs that each society had. Simply touching on topics that weren't quite normal for a high school class caused questioning and confusion for some students, but because I already went through the CORE program it's safe to say that Mr. Neil Anstead who created this program, planned for our reactions to be the way they were at that exact time.
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| ANTHRO ESSAY |
[30 Apr 2007|01:13pm] |
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INTRO
A high school program not so normal would be that of the Cleveland Humanities Magnet. This is an interdisciplinary magnet program located in Reseda, CA that focuses on the Humanities. "The Cleveland Humanities Magnet started in September, 1981. Along with other magnet schools in LAUSD, it resulted from the desire of the Board of Education to take meaningful steps to integrate students." The Magnet, or as students refer to it as "CORE," for the core set of courses they integrate together, was based around two main goals. The first would be to provide high quality instruction in the humanities to students in the Los Angeles Unified School District, and second to promote the integration of students from varied ethnic and racial groups and from different socio-economic backgrounds. Neil Anstead created this program with these strong beliefs in mind, as well as a personal anthropological approach in teaching all students the beauty of diversity, and the creativity of people he believed possible. The program he designed would last four years, grades 9-12, and with each year further opening the minds of the students to become more culturally relative and understand their ignorances and biases in the world. Through the creative and imaginative ways of the teachers in the CORE magnet, art, philosophy, literature, as well as social institution courses will be taught in new ways. Each classroom is filled with paintings all over the walls as well as radical quotes by Malcom X, Bob Marley, as well as Silvia Plath. Making sure that, like in Anthropology, the students could obtain as much of an "Emic" perspective as possible, the courses were taught predominantely with hands on lessons and personal experiences as the core basis of learning. With the key then being "interdisciplinary," where all classes taught give the students a chance to relate each one to another one, a more open minded subjective perspective on society and cultures should ultimately develope.
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| "Perfect On-The-Go" |
[07 Aug 2005|02:10pm] |
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"Chariot"
Staring at a maple leaf
Leaning on the mother tree
I said to myself we all lost touch
Your favorite fruit is chocolate covered cherries
And seedless watermelon ohhhh
Nothing from the ground is good enough
Body rised
It puts over me
[Chorus:]
Oh chariot your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
Oh chariot I'm singing out loud
To guide me
Give me your:
Strength
Remember seeking moons rebirth
Rains made mirrors of the earth
The sun was just yellow energy
It is a living promise land
Even over fields of sand
Seasons fill my mind and
Cover me
From bringing back
More than a memory
[Chorus]
You'll be my vacation away from this place
You know what I want
Holding that cup,
It's pouring over the sides
Make me wanna spread my arms and fly
[Chorus]
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[14 Jun 2005|01:08am] |
Beach Boys
"Wouldn't It Be Nice"
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through
Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy
Wouldn't it be nice
You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice |
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[22 May 2005|10:22pm] |
AISHA is pretty
dexter is stupid
AISHA loves dexter
dexter loves AISHA
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| iou3qwhedjkqowi ucn2x983xm_(#@_r4x5vb3654bytrertthgrryi87#@$$fdwr3Z4534HiuHIUH9890676Y9878978789*(&* |
[23 Mar 2005|06:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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OMGGGahsa08qwjds |
] |
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK09324858IR3WEDHR324IEWDFR9WR032Q9EWJIOSDFH903WQEDUFuweuw9ifr309u0YU087Y98U9hyig79uigc56789ojihugyfdsdxc vbnm879YUU8DEU3F89UN*(&(*EHUI#Y*)@O)@_JkWOIY!*()OHS@(yhWSOUI!@Y&(W*@UY*(&W##A&^78292uihjbd THIS MORNININGGGGGGGGGGGGGIS SOOOOOOOOOOO SWEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT AHhhhhhhhh210oweu-21m93=012owz0-m2910-m2019xmejdwiosahniojpi2 and soooo dumb and im such an idiotfor posting this shit ive posted liek 1-009i328028934084032 times this morning b ut3ewdkopsl .<3<3<3<3<3<3<333333333<3<3<3<3333333333333333<3<3<33<3
shit
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| like twak days but NOT D & A (totally different) |
[23 Mar 2005|05:55pm] |
such great heights-postalservice
I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...
I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home
_________freeway traffic//no 5th period/ / mornings/ come downs
end of a night,early morning, meeting up drunk off beer, carrrrr
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| i <3 BOYSahhhhahaahahahahaaaahahahhhaahah ahaha haaaha ha |
[14 Jan 2005|02:00pm] |
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aahhhahah HAhauhahaaHAHAAAAAhaHHAHHAHAHAHA AHAHHA HAim an idiott cause i fuckaround with my brain and my feelingsss oOOfeeeeeeelingss n entertain myself in my own world mind body uhh CONSCIOUSNESS fucknietzsche hhsaahhah YAWHATEVA, its one of those fucking soo tight kiddy crushes middleschool er kinda. 320iropdkwjv2-)_(#@_ <3333333
omg robbie !!!!!(not that anyones reading this kaka livejournal post anyways but yawhatever ill direct it toweardss someone anyways;)
remember fuckin middle schoolemails that used to b elike :
crapp i cant even do it
y y A !!
IIIIIII L u u V V y y A A !!
I L u u V V y y A A !!
I L u u V V yy AaaaaaA !!
I L u u V V y A A
I L uuuuu V V y A A !!
IIIIIII LLLLLL V y
(X100!!!! OW! OW!)
(except i remember his being like a million times more perfect and in every email id be like ohhhhh wobbbbieeeeeeeee lalala la la bf hahahhaaaahha but we werent even like close friend whatso ever. 3D was just an underlying force orconnection existing subconscious or conscious n i dunno physical too i dont care"ya whatever" )
sorry dude for bringing it upi totally forgot about thatt part of middle school, )
--Are u nervous??righhttt........t.ttt...NOW?no, right now? ..noo,RIGHTNOW?????heh iwopqe)#@- NO.
now?nope, not really ahh im too nervous now,
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[13 Jan 2005|06:04pm] |
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Your Life: The Soundtrack | Created by aiko and taken 18222 times on bzoink! | | Opening credits | "acrossthe universe"-the Beatles | | Waking up | "lullabye"-Shawn Mullins | | Average day | "semi charmed life"Third Eye Blind | | First date | "caress me down"-Sublime | | Falling in love | "such great heights"-The Postal Service | | Love scene | "Amber"-311 | | Fight scene | "karma police"-Radiohead | | Breaking up | "i could die for you"-RHCP | | Getting back together | "here comes the sun"-The Beatles | | Secret love | "Lover I Dont have to love"Bright Eyes | | Life's okay | "float on"-Modest Mouse | | Mental breakdown | "Astral Boy"-Killing Heidi | | Driving | "a long december"-Counting Crows | | Learning a lesson | "tonight, tonight"-smashing Pumpkins | | Deep thought | "Lithium"-Nirvana | | Flashback | "brainstew"-green Day | | Partying | "hey ma'"-Cam'ron | | Happy dance | "the sign"ace Of Base/"in da club"-50 | | Regreting | "criminal"fiona Apple | | Long night alone | "the dope show"-marilyn Manson | | Death scene | "imagine"-john Lennon | | Closing credits | "forever young"-Bob Dylan | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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| part oneThe Dive -Eyedea |
[08 Jan 2005|02:17am] |
It starts out with a question. How much of it is real?
The skepticism sets in, and lessens your appeal
Next, you study conspiracy, develop some theories
And become extra wary of all your previous learned material
Your tolerence for stupidity degrades
Most of your friends seem to be trapped in the maze
You narrow your associates down to the few you can stand
And even they sometimes wonder what's going on in that head of yours
You study east and western philosophy, psychology, physics
You think a lot more, and start to question existence
You wonder about your nervous system's limits
You tamper with reality maps, and then ask hallucinogenic induced
"Who am I's? What am I? Am I forever?"
All information breathes in the shallow dark hells of never
You can see where it's leading. You wish you were dreaming
If the castle crumbles no one's there to put it back together
[Chorus]
Have you ever felt yourself slippin' away?
Where all you think about's your sanity, and how it decayed?
There's no place to run, no place to hide
You can't escape from inside, and you're losing your mind
You try to think of when it started, and ask yourself why
But each thought deepens the sickness and completes the desert dry
Fear feeds the derangement of the inner eye
With nothing left you find yourself falling to madness so you...
... cry to your god, and act normal to your peers
What if God ain't hearing you? That's your only fear
Each day you think more about your psychosis
No one but you can help you, and you know this
That's the craziest part of it all
In your rational mind, you only know two things for sure
One is that your totally nuts
And the other is that you're the only one with the cure
It doesn't make sense, it's not how you imagined
You never knew it could just happen
You thought it came from stress, suicide, a near death experience
War, drug trips, low pay ,carelessness
You've heard plenty of stories about schizophrenia
But never had evidence of one who thought himself mad
You're going crazy, and desperately reachin' for reason
But the strain to stay sane's your only demon; best believe it
[Chorus]
You finally realize that you've always lived in hell
No human model or metaphor can explain how you fell
The puzzle's alive, and it changes as you try to escape it
It created time and made it appear to pass by
You don't know what you think. You don't think what you know
You're a total lunatic, and afraid it's starting to show
Where do you go when your brain is your worst enemy?
The six hundred and sixty six foot tall bridge on seventh street?
You're scared. You're scared. Why are you so scared?
There'd be no problem if you didn't care
Now you've truly formed an opinion about heaven
It starts out with a question, and this is what it ends in
Now I know you've felt yourself slip away
Now all you think about's your sanity, and how it decayed
There's no place to run. No place to hide
You can't escape the fact that you've lost your mind
You can't erase your mistakes. There's no way to rewind
The harder you look, the harder it is to find
Fear feeds the derangement of the inner eye
With nothing left you find yourself falling to madness, so you dive
so you dive (repeated)
And with each foot you fall
the voice in your head starts to sound more and more like yours
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[02 Jan 2005|10:13pm] |
i cant type anything or anything but okay im typing now i wanted i guewss something afterscreaming to music standing in my room and i think i just didnt want to think about it andi think its too quick to even start to write down some thought about what i was just doing and such things in life like tonight.normally i dont just sit and type, but i mean even like sit righttt away and write, ill cry first and sit and then write i dunno think a bit but i just went straight into doing something so different .ie typing on a livejournal, after that kinda of ish event. im weirded out or something that i dont fucking have words or i feel theres such restriction with even talking out loud oruqpwiojedk but like i cant describe anything or say anything about anything or whatever i guess everytjing cause it seems so , not enough?theres just so fucking muchthats been borken down in my god damn brain or mind or whatever i dont know that its just _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________- not even just like this:
and it. but if i sat down with someone i could for sure get to some 'understanding ' or i dont know what to call whatever it is and i dont know. maybe then its just connecting to something or whatever, and languages are like religions and just um okay it worked through in my head too fast to type or even remember.fuck it, tomorrow or in a mintute ill go back on aim or actually answser my phone and itll just kkeep going and going and ill laugh about objects n maybe im sure project and then smoke a cigarette if i want but its just on going and so blank but not its like i cant describe life or (okay im attempting to just stop the entry in between all these words but ya i dunno words are weird or ummmfuck i cant not use them, like even in my head?? so whateva um ya FUCKIN A.the rainsounds so goddamnsublime this time today .
fackin contradictorer er loser okayCOOLLL
you know what i mean?
FACXK
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[11 Oct 2004|04:12pm] |
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God,
grant me the serenity to accept
the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
"KEEP COMING BACK IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT"
why the fuck is everyonestill doing shit whatever seriously outpatient is getting shitty and noonesfuckin 'working their program'or whatever the fuck.and i dont know i have no point actually i do but when other people are being retarded not serious all inpatient style i get annoyed and wann akill someone.butim just like the peopl eim talking about.fack.whatever just lets for a few more months keep on track again it really helps so stop fucking around ..i promise when relapse time comes, we'll all do it together and be one happy rehaber family--coke to the max and even aish will hit the fuckin bong. yawhateverr ha love you all but i love inpatient more.
<3Aish
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| fuck yeah |
[07 Oct 2004|02:59pm] |
today i went through fuck loads of 'what ifs' just as i do every fuckin second but today it was a lot ofem. i remembered two "periods of time"whatever the fuck in particular.
1.)the drives home from school 3:33 right before the freeway, and oasis/40 oz/chili peppers taking over our worlds
and
2.)brianryan shanewayne dna twakie twak homie twak fool nights.ie nirvana and rain, and living full on addicts.
i do things in extremes. these two are obviously on different sides of the fuckin planet, but its just normal for me.fuck i love everything thats ever happened and everyone in it.fuck everyone elses life mines beyond amazing.
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[05 Oct 2004|10:36pm] |
crazy how we all can fuckin relate to Hamlet so fuckin much huh?>damn straight im fucking like Hamlet in a nut shell? is that what people say? idont know. i miss sydney more than anything.
not usual aisha world analyzing is going on or thinking about the worlfd like in crazy terms but like now my lifes just simply in rewind during school and fastfoward after like after rehab night time and shit. but not thinking and changing how i feel about htings etcetc. its so different, but i kinda like it.
i felt a feeling that ive never felt i think 2 saturdays ago, and i thought i was pro at depressed sad everything journaling philosophy moods to then high im in hardcore oh my gosh happy happy worlds but this feeling was intense. SERIOUSLY shocked the fuck outa me and i love that shit about whatever it is..im pro at life and everything fuckit-lovelife dumb cunts. but whateva anyways..i felt fadeddd with a person , if its at all possible.well, yeah it is. but ive never felt that and "new" things are always INTRIGINGGGGGG (i dont remember how to spell it.)more if u let them be or tell yourself that it is ah i dont know what im saying.this isnt meant to be some philosophy kaka because i can kill you in a discussion so watcchh outtt(aw summer)
happy birthday lateeee sydney mmy fuckererer stonnerererer etcetc my everything
<3Aish
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[16 Sep 2004|08:52am] |
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ive been watching dawsons creek since 6 am. no wonder i became such a person to die over the love of her life and all my sad crap mixes shit. its dawsons creek that made me this way. wowww total reed flashback<3<3
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